toink.

She has always been seen as the upbeat, effervescent, smiling, unselfish friend-daughter-educator- nurturer. What they have yet to realize is the loneliness gripping her being every now and then. Her loneliness recurs not because of PMS, which has always been their hypothesis. It recurs during times when she is discouraged or pressured, when things do not seem to move, when the feeling of “what’s the use?” creeps in. The feeling usually comes at night. During the day there are so many outward stimuli that her self is temporarily forgotten. There is so much to see, so much to hear, so many people to deal with, so many problems to handle and so many answers to give questions that her self becomes secondary. This is probably the reason why she generally says things are ‘all right’ when you ask her about her problems during the day.

When night falls, there are a few outward stimuli – the cat’s fur on her calf, the softness of the sheets, the comforting darkness, the awaited messages on her mobile phone. Then the only reality seems to be herself. Utter darkness leads to deep introspection, with the focus on her person. At such a time she feels the weight of her loneliness, of her (predestined and foreboding) distance from her loved ones; and the feeling may border on self-pity. And when the day has been bad or stressful, tears stream from her eyes. No cries or whimpers, just clear salty tears. And it seems to be her only release. She knows she has to release it for fear of becoming less effective in healing sick bodies and molding young minds.    

She realizes that her opinions have gotten stronger because of things learned thru experience, yet there are still times of doubt - at herself and her decisions. One minute she is secure, then the next minute, insecure. She laughs and cries with the greatest intensity. Yet she feels scared, alone and confused. She gets her heart broken and wonders how the people she loves (and loved) could do such damage to her. She can’t figure out why hurtful events had to happen, knowing she isn’t a bad person. She has decided to be extra careful not to entirely put her guard down, knowing she might get stung all over again. But she is not as strong-minded as what she seems to believe. The walls she built around her are starting to cave in, and she is caught unaware. And she doesn’t seem to mind anymore…

           She knows that change will be her enemy, and she will cling on to the past and to her home with dear life but will soon have to realize that the past will probably –or eventually- drift away, that leaving home is inevitable, and there is nothing left to do but stay where she is or look forward… to a future that is uncertain.

** an essay I wrote for Humanities 2 in UP…

       The Spoliarium is perhaps the single most important and recognized work of art for or by a Filipino. Painted by Juan Luna, one of our national heroes who was persecuted on suspicion of supporting the Katipunan, the 425 x 775 cm oil on canvas brought honor to the country by winning the first Gold Medal at the Exposicion Nacional de Bellas Artes in 1884.

       The painting gives a picture of the hideousness experienced by Filipinos in the nineteenth century during the Spanish colonization of the Philippines, emphasizing human rights desecration. Luna communicated his patriotism by painting one masterpiece to make clear to Filipinos that they do not deserve the oppression they were experiencing. He effectively expressed his message by showing a relationship of one element with each of the rest. One such element is color, wherein he established a well-proportioned association between the reds (in the center of the painting), the greens, and the black background. Light is balanced; light colors were used in the left side of the painting, in contrast to the dark shades seen in the right. As a result, a division is clearly shown– half showing the horror of the dragged corpse, and the other half showing the mourning of a lady. Attention is drawn by the main point of interest because of these contrasts, among others. Through the depiction of the slaves’ bodies, Luna expressed tremendous action and life. He painted the bodies (nine times –not seven, as the usual- bigger than the head) larger than any of the other parts in the painting, hence, dominantly attracting attention from the audience. The diagonal lines dominate the painting most of all, introducing excitement, and action, and movement. Asymmetrical patterns provide a point of comparison between light and darkness, the gruesomeness and the mourning. The vigorous brushstrokes, the highlighting, the dramatic chiaroscuro or the interplay of light and shadow, and the nervous, jagged lines are of heroic proportions. The style overwhelms the senses and the emotions by its sheer physical magnitude and dynamic presence.  All of those mentioned point to the message of the butchery — the violation of Filipino human rights.

       The visual expression appeals to the emotions in a broad, sweeping, compelling way.  In Spoliarium, one hears the noise of the crowd, the shouts of the slaves, the metallic clanking of the dead soldiers’ armor, the sobbing of the orphans, the murmured prayers. It engulfs you. It has the kind of effect that helped rouse the Filipino desire to rise against political oppression, further edifying its status as a nationalistic symbol.